


You're Hopeless

by TheGreatCatsby



Series: You're Hopeless [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, anime timeline, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 12:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3381857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatCatsby/pseuds/TheGreatCatsby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Because no matter how hard you try,” Nishiki says, “you'll never be entirely a ghoul.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Hopeless

“How did Rize even get you alone?” 

Kaneki frowns. “I was on a bookstore date with her.” 

Nishiki's eyebrows disappear into his hair. “You call a trip to the bookstore a date?” 

“What do you call a date?” Kaneki demands, feeling suddenly defensive. 

Nishiki smirks at him. “Well...are you really that dense, that you can't guess what Kimi and I do?” 

Kaneki stares at him, and remembers when he and Hide walked in on Nishiki and Kimi. His cheeks burn. 

“This is ridiculous,” Nishiki says. “How did someone like you get into somewhere like Kamii?” 

*

Rize and Tsukiyama may have liked books, but Nishiki is a prodigy, according to Itori. 

“He's a pharmacy student,” she tells Kaneki over blood masquerading as wine. 

Kaneki thinks of his own literature program. 

“I don't know why he tries to succeed in the human world,” Itori says. “There's nothing for him there. Are you still attending classes?” 

“Sort of,” Kaneki says, but her words sting. What is there for a ghoul trying to live as a human? Can ghouls even do that? It's still a question he's asking himself. 

Right now, he isn't doing a good job of balancing the two. But perhaps it's not entirely his fault. There are bits of Rize inside of him. 

“Someone thinks the two can merge together,” Itori says, “clearly.” She indicates him. Kaneki touches his eyepatch. 

“That doesn't mean,” she adds, “that they're right.” 

*

Kaneki joins Aogiri and for some time, he is purely a ghoul. The ghouls in Aogiri don't try to be human. They try to be monsters. 

And Kaneki realizes that he's been living at extremes for the past few months. Trying to be almost entirely human. Trying to be entirely, viciously ghoul. Ayato and Touka are like personifications of these two sides. 

And Nishiki is somewhere in the middle. 

He catches Kaneki after Aogiri raids the ghoul detention center, after Kaneki nearly loses himself. He finds Aogiri's base and sneaks in, sees the coffee cans littering the ground and a few books hidden by the walls. 

He kicks one of the cans to get Kaneki's attention. “You're going too far,” he says. 

“What are you doing here?” Kaneki asks. “If Ayato finds you--” 

“I don't care what that little shit does,” Nishiki says. He's wearing a robe, and a mask, which he holds in his left hand. It looks like the head of a snake. 

“Why are you here?” 

“You've released ghouls without questioning who they are,” Nishiki tells him, moving towards him like a predator stalking prey. Except Kaneki isn't prey anymore. “Some of those ghouls are ruthless killers. They don't just kill for food, but for pleasure. And you, you idiot, have made the doves even more diligent. They're conducting raids of their own, watching everything more carefully.” 

“It's a war,” Kaneki says. 

Nishiki's arms lashes out, grab Kaneki by the neck, trying to choke him. “I've had to leave Kimi for her safety, from both ghouls and doves,” he growls. “We can only see each other on campus, and we can't even talk.” 

“Why do you still go?” Kaneki asks. 

“Why don't you?” Nishiki snaps. 

Kaneki manages to get a grip on Nishiki's arms and shoves him off. He staggers back a few feet, teeth bared. 

“You are soft,” Kaneki says. He can feel something terrible writhing under the surface of his skin. The thing that's been coming out more and more, that recoils at Nishiki's desire to remain a monster among humans. “Why did you come here?” 

“Because no matter how hard you try,” Nishiki says, “you'll never be entirely a ghoul.” 

“And you won't be human,” Kaneki says. 

The door crashes open, and blue shards fly through the air. Nishiki disappears in a whirl of his cloak, and Ayato steps forward. 

“What was he doing here?” he asks. 

“I don't know,” Kaneki says. 

“I want him dead,” Ayato tells him. 

It isn't a request that Kaneki refuses. Not right away. 

*

Kaneki could never kill Touka. He could never kill Hide, despite Hide being human, because he's never stopped thinking of Hide as like a brother. He could never kill Hinami. 

Nishiki, however, he could. He could because Nishiki tried to kill him, tried to kill Hide, and isn't definitively a good person. Nishiki is trouble. Nishiki is smart, and having a smart ghoul not on the side of Aogiri is a danger. 

There's a raid on the 20th ward, and Anteiku disappears. And so do all the ghouls. For a time. 

Kaneki goes to Kamii. He wears a hood, which shadows his face, and walks around campus, and finds his way towards the labs. 

He finds Nishiki's lab. 

He's never seen Nishiki in a lab coat, but he's there, working diligently at some experiment that Kaneki, despite knowing basic sciences, can't understand. He doesn't look up. His brow is furrowed, his glasses slipping down his nose as he measures liquids in droppers and transfers them to different beakers, then takes notes down on paper. 

He realizes that he's stayed too long, and steals away, wondering why Nishiki even bothers. If he graduates, his job would be helping humans. 

Why should he care? 

*

“Why do you care?” Nishiki demands. Kaneki presses his foot down, crushes Nishiki's throat, and Nishiki chokes. 

Kaneki is losing more of himself every single day. 

It started when Nishiki found him on a rooftop near the former site of Anteiku and told him, “I hear they're calling you centipede now. That's disgusting.” 

And Kaneki had said, “You're still playing at being human. But I know how cruel you are.” 

“You are a bother,” Kaneki says now. “At least Touka and the rest leave me alone.” 

“Maybe I just like annoying you,” Nishiki says. “Maybe we all think you made the wrong choice and I'm the only one smart enough to say it to your face.” 

“Or stupid.” Kaneki takes his foot off Nishiki's throat, leaving a bruise that will heal in minutes, and instead pins Nishiki down with his hands. Nishiki glares up at him through his glasses, a little human thing that Kaneki finds annoying on him. Rize had glasses, too, and at the time he'd thought, she can't be a ghoul, because ghouls shouldn't have to wear glasses. 

He snatches them off Nishiki's face and throws them several feet away. 

“I can still see,” Nishiki says. He smirks up at Kaneki, suddenly, and Kaneki wants to wipe the smile from his face. 

The anger that's always below the surface, the thing telling him to destroy destroy destroy rises up. “I can't let this go on.”

“They're making you more of a monster every day,” Nishiki remarks. He seems oddly calm for someone trapped. 

Kaneki slaps him. “Shut up!” 

Nishiki laughs. “Make me.” 

Kaneki bares his teeth, feels his kagune rip from his back--

And Nishiki moves. He presses his lips to Kaneki's, manages to free an arm to pull him closer so that he can kiss Kaneki deeper. Nishiki tastes like coffee and a hint of blood. But mostly coffee. The sense of familiarity, of warmth and comfort that washes over him causes something within him to violently rebel. For a moment, his head feels like it might split apart. 

Kaneki stabs him through the chest with his kagune, then prepares to stab him again. Nishiki's head falls back, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth. But he's still smirking. 

“You taste like meat,” he says. “Come on, Kaneki, that must be the first real affection you've had in months.” 

“Shut up,” Kaneki whispers. 

Nishiki coughs. “Just wanted to see if you still had feelings.” 

“Shut up!” Kaneki shrieks, his kagune poised to strike. 

Nishiki stops smirking. “Then kill me. Do it.” 

Kaneki can't move. 

“Admit it,” Nishiki rasps. “This isn't about Aogiri, or the great war between humans and ghouls.” He takes a ragged breath, releases it with a cough that paints his lips red with blood. “This is about you. You never knew what you were. This is about you not wanting to put your friends in danger. About me trying to kill Hide that one time. About ghouls trying to be human and getting killed for it anyway. This is because you're pissed off about not being able to be human anymore, because you remember what it's like. I get it. Some of us wish we were human.” 

“Shut up,” Kaneki breathes. “You don't--” 

“I've lost people, too,” Nishiki snaps. “If you haven't become a monster, it's personal. It's always personal.” 

Kaneki chokes on words, or maybe a scream. 

“So what it gonna be?” Nishiki says, challenging. “Are you gonna kill me because you're a ghoul eliminating competition? Or because I hurt your friend? Or for no reason except that you're angry and you can't control it? Or,” he licks his lips, “are you going to keep me alive because you're still a hopeless bookworm human somewhere in there?” 

Kaneki sees white at the edges of his vision. And he shoves himself off Nishiki, and runs until he is completely alone, somewhere he doesn't recognize.


End file.
